Tan Lines


 Hello Blogland!

Quick disclaimer there are no photos with this post because I didn’t want to traumatize any small children…or animals….or anyone with working eyeballs.

 Last fall I decided that I am tired of having my pasty white legs on display during the summer months. Now don’t get scared–I expose NOTHING above the knees in public. There are some things that are not meant for poh-lite society–like my thighs and butt.

 When I say pasty white–I’m talking glowing white. The underbelly of a frog white.  Transparent. I make the vampires in the movie Twilight look positively bronze in comparison. I needed me some color!!

 I had experimented with those self-tanners a few years ago and I gotta say–orange streaks & white legs isn’t a good look. My palms however were an awesome shade of Oompah-Loompah orange!!

 So off Tamera goes to check out Tanning salons.

 I arranged a visit at one locally. It looks nice from the outside but once you got inside…..CREE-PEE.

There was no one there but this other lady who was touring the facility and this man-the owner? A very sketchy looking older man with a waist length grey pony-tail, mangy Hawaiian shirt, shifty eyes and a mustache straight from a 70’s porn movie (not that I’ve ever SEEN a 70’s porn movie IRL) This dude was WAY too enthusiastic about the salon and showing us the booths. There wasn’t another soul there. This was at a prime time–right after work. After the tour, the other lady and I conferred in the parking lot and came to the same conclusion–there was NO way we’d ever tan there–this guy probably had a hidden camera in the room to watch us. You really wanted to go home and shower after being in there.

 So, after touring a couple others I settled on a salon. I signed up for a 30 day unlimited special. I went for my first session. Keep in mind I have never been in a tanning booth or bed. The nice lady showed me the booth, the controls and explained what I was to do.

 Now, for the uniniated among us–typically you tan in one of these nude. Nekkid. Birthday Clothes. Naked as a jaybird. You have complete privacy and it eliminates the tan lines. Won’t this be cool???

 Well–as a newbie I was programmed for 4 minutes in a lower powered booth. They gave me these stickers for my eyes (what a weird sensation that was!!), I stripped off my clothes and pushed the button. Hey, this wasn’t bad–much better then laying out in the sun and sweating like a pig!! This was so easy–I’m gonna be toasty brown by next summer!!

 A few hours later my bubble burst.

 Although I was only in a minimum time, the areas of my body that have NEVER seen sunlight BURNT– I’m an attractive shade of red in some places!! I’m gonna cover up some the next time–cuz SERIOUSLY who is going to see my nicely tanned tummy??? My hubby and he’s not really too interested in what color it is.

 Second–those nifty little handles up by the ceiling for your hands?? I thought you could hold them if you were claustrophobic or something. Well– keeping your arms down by your sides leaves nice white STRIPES!!!

 And you will get tan lines–if it bags,sags, or has rolls it ain’t gonna tan underneath it.  You’ll know EXACTLY what I’m saying if you read my post on bra-shopping.

 I went 2-3 days a week for a month.  I achieved the highly attractive burnt, peeling or pasty white look.  No toasty brown skin to be seen anywhere. My legs are still whiter then white after all this.  I didn’t sign up for another month.

 My life–it’s always an adventure and usually a comedy!!




  1. Debbi said:

    Tamera, normally I don’t offer advice on what I think people should do in their lives. This is one time I am going to. Please stop going to tan. It is dangerous. In the 80’s when the salons first started opening I started going. I don’t burn easily, but I don’t tan either. I had a beautiful tan and loved going. I loved laying in the bed with the fans and the warmth. But, I ended up with some strange spots on my body. I went to the Dr. and he said it was a direct result of the tanning beds. I did not go very long, less than a year, but it made my skin which previously was soft and smooth get rough and patchy. I have since read up on tanning and it is dangerous no matter if it is in a bed or outdoors. Please read up on it yourself. I wish I had never done it, but I too wanted a tan. Cancer is too big a risk!!!

    I don’t want to offend you in any way, but please do the research on your own.

  2. I won’t give the safety speech because Debbi already covered it (wise words!) However, I completely empathize with the lifetime-of-pale-skin issue, and I had to giggle at your tan line descriptions.

    Have you tried the lightest grade of self-tanners — the gradual ones, like Jergens Natural Glow and all its many imitators? I found them very useful for legs, in particular, because they’re so subtle. That makes the application more forgiving. Sometimes, when I had a slight tan on my upper body, I could use these on legs, only, and it didn’t look strange or mismatched. (Though feet are tricky — I won’t lie!) Other times I used them everywhere but the face. If you haven’t tried them, I’d encourage you to give it a try. Also, I’m pretty sure paler skin is coming back. For the past 2 summers, I haven’t bothered with self tanner at all because i just haven’t felt as conspicuously pale as compared to everybody else.

  3. Barb said:

    Have you considered spray tan at a salon?

  4. Those things aren’t safe. Keep the pale look. It’s all the rage. Just dye your hair black and put on tons of eyeliner. Go Goth.

  5. I call it fish-belly white! I know exactly how you feel about being so tired of the glow in the dark look!

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