I had to do the dreaded bra shopping this weekend. I’ve been putting it off-but the underwire broke in another bra and it just had to be done.
If I have any male readers-you might want to click-out now–LOLOL. We are gonna be having bra chat!!
I’ve always been very “busty”- and very self-conscience about it. (I joke that my body grew into the existing rack-LOL) I have no idea why anyone would want to have surgery to make them BIGGER. It makes it hard to find clothes that fit (Why do designers think that a large bust=football player shoulders=armpit holes down to my waist??) Heaven knows men have conversations with them (hey-my head–it’s up here). And some people equate big bust=small IQ.
Menopause is a weird thing. For some inexplicable reason, my boobs are going through a second puberty and GROWING. I haven’t gained any weight–in fact I’ve had to take in some pants. Yet my bras and some of my tops have gotten too tight. I thought gravity made everything move south!! Yet some of my “junk” is apparently moving north. To my chest. Where I DO NOT need any more.
So I took all the measurements, determined the size and off I went to the big girl store. What? You wonder why I didn’t go to Victoria’s Secret??? Let me tell you Tamera’s Secret–there isn’t enough fabric in their bra department to hold up my puppies. VS is cute and all that–but I need hydraulics. Lift. Lock and loaded. I don’t want to bounce and put my eyes out. I want them lifted UP off my waist. And the Wonder Bra just ain’t gonna do it for me.
I’m perusing the bra department when the helpful PERKY (if you know what I mean) twenty-something, size four salesclerk comes over.
“Can I help you?” Here’s one of our most popular styles-what size do you need?” She is WAY to friendly–I think she’s been main-lining Starbucks.
“Mumble Mumble Mumble” from me.
She starts handing me one of each style they carry in my size. Great–multiple selections. Like I want choices.
I take a selection of different styles in my size in the dressing room and begin the try-on process. It’s not enough to get the right size–gotta be the right cut, etc.
The first one I try on is the big girl version of the Wonder Bra. It has these little pockets in the cups that hold…get this… little BALLOONS. I haven’t stuffed my bra since I was 10 years old. The front is very low-cut and plunging and it has tiny skinny straps. The premise is that the balloons will displace boobage to make cleavage. Yup–I had cleavage all the way up to my NECK. I felt if I coughed or such that everything was flying outta them cups–because they were over-flowing. And if one of the skinny straps broke–I’d kill someone. Who thought this would be a good idea for a big busted woman??
And while I’m on the topic. Who thought it was a good idea to make them little camisole tops with the built-in bras in size 24??? That flimsy stretch fabric isn’t supporting ANYTHING that size. It just mashes them down. And halter tops for big girls–PUHLEEZE!!!! Unless you can wear a really good strapless or halter-neck bra–you gots boobs in your lap. And don’t get me started on spandex shorts or mini-skirts at the big-girl store. If your butt fits in the size 26-28–the spandex miniskirt should NOT be an option. Check out http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ for confirmation. Just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you should be wearing it–in public. Have mercy–I’m just saying.
Anyway-and so it went. One positioned the boobage so they were kind of under my armpits–not an attractive look. Several just didn’t get them off the waist. A couple gave me the dreaded 4-boob syndrome. You know–when it’s kinda tight along the top of the cup so it makes it look like you are nursing four puppies.
Forty-five minutes later I FINALLY found a style that covered what I wanted covered. Lifted them where I wanted them to be. Held them securely with minimal bounce-age. I brought one in every color they had.
They better stop growing…..